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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


If the presidential candidates were drugs

We’ve reached an impasse during this cycle. The horse race is stagnating with an absurd number of think-pieces about contested conventions and Senator Bernie Sanders not having a fair chance against the Clinton machine. Unless you’re a political junkie or a glutton for punishment, you have primary fatigue. So, to lighten the mood, let’s just compare the different candidates to drugs.

Hillary Clinton: Cocaine

Starting with the odds on favorite to be president of the United States, we go to Hillary Clinton. The drug Hillary is most identical to is clearly and obviously cocaine. She’s on-edge during her speeches, even once devolving to barking during one of her rallies. Her robotic mannerisms add to this, because at the slightest bit of tension — such as when there’s a question she doesn’t like — she snaps at the poor sap who asked it. On the more cynical side, Clinton is also a product of a bygone era responsible for the mass incarceration of minorities.

Bernie Sanders: Marijuana

Then, there’s the champion of the people, Senator Bernie Sanders. Sanders’ similarities to marijuana are quite apparent and fairly simple to deduce. Most people who smoke marijuana like to only talk about marijuana in the same sense that if someone supports Sanders, all they like to talk about is Sanders. This comparison also rings true in the sense that Bernie’s base of support lies in young people, very much in the vein of those who are for the legalization of marijuana.

Donald Trump: K-2

We come to the candidate who best represents the misinformed rural people: Donald J. Trump. Trump is easily comparable to K-2, or synthetic marijuana. His form of populism is in the same realm as Sanders’, but doesn’t hold the same sense of innocence. The widespread use of K-2, much like a Trump presidency, would be the downfall of western society. The other similarity between Trump and K-2 is that if you even try it once, you’ve permanently ruined your life with brain damage.

Ted Cruz: Bath Salts

Ted Cruz, also known to most as the Zodiac Killer, is definitely bath salts. By far the scariest of all the drugs here, the results would be disastrous in any capacity. The effects of bath salts are estimated to be 10 times more intense than cocaine, which makes Cruz an estimated 10 times worse than Hillary. The effects of bath salts include intense paranoia and hallucinations, obvious parallels to Ted’s fondness to tab all of those opposed to him as “establishment.” The War on Drugs was launched under false pretenses but please, in the case of Ted Cruz or bath salts, just say no.

John Kasich: Beer

Don’t think that we forgot about the most bland of all the candidates on either side: Governor John Kasich of Ohio. What would you compare to someone who everyone can kind of deal with, but doesn’t really know why he’s there? Obviously non-alcoholic beer. There really is no purpose to Kasich being in the race at this point, much like drinking non-alcoholic beer at a party or bar is kind of pointless. Beer doesn’t taste good to begin with, so why would you drink a brew that doesn’t have the added perk of giving you a buzz?


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