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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


Ice cream overlords hiding the truth of global cooling

Climate change is the greatest national security threat of our time, and it is our duty to do something about it.

According to a recent study by NASA, sea ice in Antarctica has reached a record high this year. Antarctic sea ice exceeded 7.72 million square miles this year, the most since 1979. Folks, we are on the verge of perhaps the greatest environmental catastrophe of our lifetimes.

Global cooling.

We must not allow this recent pattern to continue, or else we could suffer cataclysmic consequences. While many climate change deniers may insist that humans cannot cause global cooling, that idea is pure malarkey. We must listen to the evidence and acknowledge that climate change is real, it is caused by human activity and it is going to cause a worldwide ice age if we do not do something about it.

Senator Bernie Sanders, candidate for the Democratic nomination of the president of the United States, has said time and time again that global temperature levels have been warming. Do not be fooled, people. The earth is not warming—it is cooling.

Sanders, being a Vermont native, is most likely in the pockets of the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream company, which knows that it is the likely culprit behind the recent global cooling. According to IRI, a market research company, Ben & Jerry’s made $349.9 million in sales last year. Bernie knows very well the impact that manufacturing such a cold product has on atmospheric temperatures.

Although ice cream is a tasty and delicious frozen snack, it is hurting our planet. We must rise up against the ice cream corporations in order to save the world from global cooling. The ice cream lobbyists are buying the vote of our Congress to manipulate them into pushing a false “global warming” agenda. What’s worse is that it appears the ice cream industry is making a push in the scientific community as well, where 97 percent of climatologists wrongfully claim that the earth is warming.

We must stand up to the propagandist campaign of corporate America and recognize that the earth is not warming. The evidence shown by NASA in Antarctica is absolute proof that we are heading straight towards a dark, cold ice age if we do not rise above our evil overlords. They cannot control us.

Imagine a world in which Antarctica continues to grow. A world where glaciers shape the landscape. A world where hockey is a more popular sport than football. A world where penguins rule the land.

If more ice freezes in the Antarctic, the global sea level could lower by several feet. Instead of having a view of the ocean, beach-front houses will have a view of the desert. Poor sea creatures will see their habitat shrink every year.

Our government should install a number of new policies to help warm our planet up. We must be an example to the rest of the world and help raise our carbon emissions for this noble cause. We should put in place a solar tax to discourage our citizens from using energy that does not emit carbon. We should provide tax breaks and incentives to our oil and gas companies to burn as many fossil fuels as possible. The government should encourage everyone not to carpool and to drive themselves. One simple solution might be to turn the HOV lane into the LOV (low-occupancy vehicle) lane.

This is not a problem for just the government to solve, however. The common people must make environmentally-conscious decisions in their everyday lives. Buy a Hummer. Leave the lights on. Do not buy local foods. Within no time, your carbon footprint will be increased tenfold.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is our moral duty to prevent this planet from entering a global climate catastrophe. While the recent news in Antarctica looks bleak, there is still time to buck the trend. Do your part to rebel against the ice cream corporations. Warm the earth and save the planet.


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