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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

Logo of The Onion Bagel column. STATESMAN FILE

The Onion Bagel: Banning abortions isn’t enough, we must also restrict male masturbation

Michael Cleary September 19, 2021
#opinion: Whenever a male ejaculates, they can release between 40 million to 1.2 billion sperm. That is 40 million to 1.2 billion potential lives that have been completely snuffed out before they have ever been given a chance at life.
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Greek organization banners are displayed in the lobby of the Stony Brook student union. (Nina Lin / The Statesman)

The Onion Bagel: COVID fraternities want to recruit you

Sam Lauria August 22, 2021
#OnionBagel #OPINION: It’s that time of year once again: recruitment week. All the fraternities at USA University are looking for students to rush and become members of some of the most prestigious organizations on campus.
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The Onion Bagel: Death expecting ‘record numbers’ this Halloween

Steven Keehner October 31, 2020
#OnionBagel #OPINION The COVID-19 outbreak has killed over 200,000 Americans. But as many plan their Halloween parties, one Florida man expects those numbers to go up. Also, the Grim Reaper sits down with The Statesman to talk about his Halloween plans.
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Logo of The Onion Bagel column. STATESMAN FILE

The Onion Bagel: Senate decides to take a three week recess as asteroid approaches Earth

Matt Venezia October 29, 2020
#OnionBagel This week, NASA announced that an asteroid was heading towards Earth. NASA scientists predict a direct impact, but it won’t be large enough to cause significant damage.
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Yoga standing in water. PUBLIC DOMAIN

Onion Bagel: Babies will be our entertainment overlords

Alek Lewis February 9, 2020
As I stare into the endless void that is my Instagram feed, the one millionth Baby Yoda meme enters my view and catches my attention. I can’t stop my face muscles, as they mold into a big fat grin. This one, which shows a picture of the icon holding a cup of soup, reads “When you wake up feeling a bit cran
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Official poster for The Politician. PUBLIC DOMAIN

Shows like “The Politician” educate viewers on pressing issues through satire

Xenia Gonikberg November 10, 2019
While there are elements of high school drama, like cliques and bullying, it also provides insight into the mind of a politician on Capitol Hill
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Stony Brook University students at graduation in 2010. Stony Brook students graduate May 24, 2019. STATESMAN FILE

The Onion Bagel: Congratulations graduates, get ready for the real world

Aaron San Jose May 5, 2019
Congrats Class of 2019, you’re done. The nightmares have stopped, you can sleep again.
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Album cover for Awesome Mix Vol. 1, the soundtrack for the Marvel hit Guardians of the Galaxy. PUBLIC DOMAIN

The Onion Bagel Reviews: One hour of “Ooga ooga ooga chacka”

Mike Adams March 31, 2019
The introduction to Blue Swede’s famous 1974 cover of Mark James’ “Hooked on a Feeling” contains the nonsense phrase “ooga ooga ooga chacka,” which is repeated through the first portion of the song. An individual cycle of three “oogas” and one “chacka” takes approximately two and one-tenth seconds to play through.
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A student wearing airpods.  EMMA HARRIS/THE STATESMAN

The Onion Bagel: AirPod haters of the world, unite!

Aaron San Jose March 31, 2019
Besides being a tool of bourgeois oppression, Engelstein said, the design of AirPods is fundamentally flawed.
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A student stresses out while reading a textbook. The stress Holly Melancholy felt over her break led her to bake her hair into the family turkey. UBC LEARNING COMMONS/FLICKR VIA CC BY 2.0

The Onion Bagel: Holly Melancholy’s jolly Thanksgiving

Gabby Pardo November 25, 2018
Five-day break, two holidays (if you’re counting Black Friday) and there is still stress running through the mind of sophomore biology major Holly Melancholy. Class starts tomorrow and none of her assignments or papers or projects are done for the week.
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People at a Target on Thanksgiving night Nov. 22 2012 in Highland, Indiana.   DIARIOCRITICO DE VENEZUELA/FLICKR VIA CC BY 2.0

The Onion Bagel: What good is Thanksgiving anyways?

Mike Adams November 19, 2018
Thanksgiving is a time-honored American tradition that harkens back to the best this country has to offer. Compassion, family and whitewashing genocide — the very pillars of our national identity come to the forefront on the fourth Thursday of November.
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The Onion Bagel: Elevating your elevator conduct

Mike Adams November 11, 2018
Onion Bagel's top tips on surviving and thriving on the cramped elevators all over campus. From threats to murder plans, the Onion Bagel guarantees you a spot on these tight metal closets.
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