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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


The Sexwolf: Can I has yo numba?

I’ve got Skittles in my mouth. Do you want to taste the rainbow?
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I’m checking you out.
You must be from Pearl Harbor because you’re the bomb.

Gone are the days when people had corny pick-up lines and I don’t think the phrase “slow curve” has been used since “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” came out in 2003. I’ve conducted some research—which may not be up to Stony Brook research standards, but is interesting nonetheless—and asked some people if they had a go-to move. It revealed that very few people even have a go-to move they use when it comes to picking someone up other than “I introduce myself” or “I just go talk to them.” Many people also claim to have no move at all.

To be fair, corny pickup lines almost never work, but that does not mean I don’t wish people at least had the guts to try. It isn’t like shaking my hand or asking your friend to tell me that you thought I was cute at a Halloween party last semester is getting you very far anyway.

Most people agree confidence is sexy. Nothing says “confident” like bravely walking up to a woman and asking her what has 142 teeth and holds back The Incredible Hulk. Fortunately, there are some who make the game a little more interesting, even at the risk of facing rejection.

Some people just stare at their target. Others show off their intelligence, while another goes up and plays with a lady’s hair. One gentleman approaches girls and says he is falling in love with her. Someone else relies on his grasp of foreign languages to speak the language of love. Still another plays the chase, hot one minute and cold the next. One girl literally picks a girl up while trying to pick her up. I’m personally a fan of this move (insert winking emoticon here).

While conducting research for this article, I was asked multiple times what my move is and so I shall summarize Kate’s Three-Step Attack.

  1. Step one: make eye contact and coyly bite lower lip.
  2. Step two: once contact is established, confide something weird about myself. If he says it’s cute, which it usually isn’t, he is interested. Example: I reclaim my virginity when I’m in a stubborn mood.
  3. Step three: get annoyed at listening to him talk about himself and either kiss him or walk away–also mood-dependent.

So if walking up and introducing yourself does not work and the corny pickup lines (while quite amusing) are generally ineffective, what does work? Unfortunately, insanely good looks seem to be one of the most helpful factors, though it is not the only factor.

A generally successful way for a heterosexual man to successfully initiate conversation with a heterosexual woman—besides having washboard abs and carrying around a fluffy puppy—is as follows: Do not introduce yourself first; it comes off as majorly-creeperesque. Start off with a witty or funny comment about the present situation. Warning: if she doesn’t laugh or smile, run away.

If she laughs and not the “ew why is this random person talking to me laugh,” but a real laugh—ask her to get a cup of coffee or for her screenname (I know no one uses screen names, but if she’s over the age of 17, and she better be, it may make her laugh again).

So what can you take away from this? Don’t sit on the sidelines or just shake their hand and introduce yourself. If you want to get someone’s number, you have to just ask.

How you do that, though, is entirely up to you.

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