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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


The Sexwolf: This just in…or maybe not

It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane! No, it’s a giant penis and it’s headed right towards you!

We have all heard the phrase “mircopenis” before and there are many articles that are geared towards people who find themselves stuck between such a pebble and a hard place (ex: back attack, not butt stuff and not the CHE 321 Sn2 reaction).

But a micropenis isn’t the only kind pickle one might encounter during sex. I want everyone to understand extra-large pajama pythons have extra large problems (as well as extra large condoms). You may have heard the expression “fitting a round peg into a square hole.” This dilemma is more along the lines of Honey Boo Boo’s mom trying to fit into size 3 jeans.

Most people’s first reaction to hearing about an extra large member is, “make sure you use a lot of lube.” Let me be clear: the people who make claims like this have probably never seen one in real life and, therefore, cannot imagine seeing one. If you’re trying to drive a pickup truck through your front door, no amount of Crisco is going to help. Also, throwing it into fourth gear and slamming on the gas is not a good idea if you want to leave the siding of your door intact.

Drive slowly, my friends, to minimize damage.

I know plenty of people who brag about the size of Mr. Boyfriend’s Mr. Johnson. But there is a difference between well-endowed and over-endowed.

First, what counts as extra-large? I’m not a doctor, yet, but I feel as though I’ve devised a pretty accurate test for how to differentiate. When the Mammoth Mound of Manhood emerges from its denim cage, are the first words out of your mouth “oh no?” If so, you may be biting off a little more man meat than you can chew.

And now I will introduce you to the concept of “uterine ballooning.” I’ll admit it isn’t the sexiest phrase in this article, but the medical community does not seem too keen on creating pleasant terminology when referring to the vagina, such as the term “mucous plug.” Uterine ballooning is the process of the uterus literally inflating off the cervix to allow it to accommodate a little more of whatever you’re into and occurs after much-attended-to foreplay. I promise this is not an excuse to perpetuate the frequency of cunnalingus, but it would definitely help.

If you ever find yourself face to face with a legendary monster, I implore you not to fear. Just remember three simple rules:
1. Slow and steady wins the race. Fast and dirty ends with vaginal tearing.
2. Women need to get it up just as much as men do, except “it” refers to the uterus.
3. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, when in doubt, use your mouth.

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