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The Onion Bagel: Banning abortions isn’t enough, we must also restrict male masturbation

Logo of The Onion Bagel column.  STATESMAN FILE

The Onion Bagel is a satirical column for The Statesman.

Republican legislators in Texas showed they are just as good as other Republicans at taking advantage of our poorly written legal codes by creating the most egregiously slimy abortion legislation ever to be created in our country. But the battle to prevent babies from being murdered isn’t over yet.

Whenever a male ejaculates, they can release between 40 million to 1.2 billion sperm. That is 40 million to 1.2 billion potential lives that have been completely snuffed out before they have ever been given a chance at life. Each sperm that is left to die on a brittle sock or swallowed into an acidic abyss could have been a productive member of society. Every massive load being shot not for the purpose of reproduction is tantamount to mass murder. 

Only a complete monster would finish on someone’s leg rather than inside.

As best put by the late John Calvin: “The voluntary spilling of semen outside of intercourse between a man and a woman is a monstrous thing. Deliberately withdrawing from coitus in order that semen may fall on the ground is doubly monstrous. For this to extinguish the hope of the race and to kill he is born the hoped-for offspring.”

And that John Calvin guy is a pretty smart cookie. I mean, the guy was an important figure in the Protestant reformation and has a major branch of Protestantism named after the guy — Calvinism.  His perspective on the matter is likely inspired by Genesis 38:8-10, where God killed Onan for wasting “the semen on the ground.” I am sure Texas lawmakers had absolutely no idea that wasting semen was a sin because religious advocates never pick and choose parts of the Bible they like in order to justify their actions and bigotry under the guise of religious freedom. 

Does life begin at conception? No, it doesn’t. Life begins when a sperm cell is birthed from an individual’s testicles. Sperm shares the same traits as all living organisms (ability to turn sugar into ATP, to grow and mature and are able to move by themselves) other than the ability to reproduce. They can and should be considered living creatures that will eventually combine with an egg and develop into new human beings. It is a noble sacrifice that they must be allowed to follow through with. Instead, males who are apathetic about the lives of both sperm and humans continue to massacre these innocent creatures through forceful exile.

By banishing them from the warm, nurturing embrace of the scrotum, they are tossed out into an environment where the lucky ones will die within a few seconds. Those not fortunate enough to be graciously gifted with a quick and mostly painless death will spend hours in pure agony, forsaken by the same people who fight to save the lives of the unborn. 

Males are allowed to kill millions upon billions of unborn children as many times as they want, but females aren’t allowed to? That doesn’t make sense. In respect to preserving human life above all else, we need to ban men killing potential babies like we ban women from doing so.

In this society, we hold the lives of all unborn children highly.

After they are born, we couldn’t care less, but when they are unborn we must use everything at our disposal to keep them safe. Preventing women from making decisions for themselves is a good start that will save thousands of unborn lives. But it isn’t enough. We must take immediate action to also protect the billions of lives that can be thrown away into a balled-up tissue at a moment’s notice.

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