The Onion Bagel is a satirical column for The Statesman.

Florida now has the highest rates of infections, hospitalizations and deaths due to COVID-19 out of any point yet during the pandemic, according to The New York Times. Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida, addressed the public’s concerns during a press conference last Friday where he announced a new public health strategy to combat COVID-19 concerns.

“To prove once and for all COVID-19 is not a threat, I will be implementing a new program in this great state where I will sit on my knees out on street corners for a few hours a day and beg residents to spit into my mouth,” he said. 

When reporters questioned if this was an appropriate usage of the governor’s time, DeSantis refused to take any more questions.  

This program has been in action since Aug. 28 and has been met mostly with mixed reception from the community. “While it is comforting to see our governor isn’t concerned by these harrowing new COVID-19 statistics, I somehow feel it’s inappropriate for the most influential politician in our state to yell at passersby that he is a dirty toilet person who just wants to drink our tasty spit,” 347-year-old resident Annie Gurflazofx said. “I also really don’t see how this is helping but I suppose I just don’t get politics.”

Many others are in support of the new program. The Florida chapter of the Proud Boys has taken it upon themselves to join DeSantis in his staunch stance against oppressive outside influences that just want people to take this pandemic seriously. I stumbled upon a group of them kneeling submissively outside of an Applebee’s. 

Among their ranks was Joseph Biggs, a Florida resident and one of the higher ups of the Proud Boys, who I asked for a statement. “The only time us Proud Boys will kneel is so people can easily spit into our gaping mouths,” Mr. Biggs said. “And we make damn sure there isn’t a single American flag within 500 feet of any of us kneeling.” 

As I tried to walk away, Mr. Biggs suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back. “Just to be clear, we are not kneeling in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement,” he clarified quickly. “It is purely so our friends and neighbors are better able to hock a hot loogie right down our greedy little throats.”

I sat down with Barry McYiopcoxz, an expert on behavioral psychology, who has a different explanation for Mr. DeSantis’ behavior. 

“We are seeing a trend among many Republican politicians where they are unable to get off sexually anymore now that Mr. Donald Trump is no longer emasculating them and publicly humiliating them,” he said. “They have been sexually broken by the former president and can only receive any semblance of pleasure when he abuses them. Now they are desperate to find alternative ways to derive any semblance of the same ecstasy they used to receive daily from the former president but fail time and time again … ”

He continued to ramble on about some other things but I wasn’t paying much attention since what nerd scientists have to say doesn’t mean squat in this country. 

My crew and I found Mr. DeSantis outside the gates of one of the most popular places to go to watch animals being slowly tortured to death: SeaWorld.

“Before you go and harass visibly depressed and dying animals that are cruelly being held in tanks that are way too small, come spit in my mouth in defiance against COVID-19,” Mr. DeSantis screamed at families quickly trying to rush their children past. 

He was shirtless and had “filthy pig boy” written with a sharpie on his face with the “o” in “boy” being his mouth. He refused to be interviewed on the grounds that he was very busy with important government business.

“Do what you want, you’ll never get me to talk to the fake liberal media,” DeSantis said. “You can beat me up, spit on me, put out cigarettes against my neck, spank me, choke me but I will never talk. Bring it on big boys, I can take it.”