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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

Ron DeSantis at the Everglades in Florida on August 03,2021. PUBLIC DOMAIN

The Onion Bagel: Ron DeSantis encourages passersby to spit in his mouth to prove COVID-19 isn’t scary

Michael Cleary September 5, 2021
#OnionBagel #OPINION: Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida announced a new public health strategy to combat COVID-19 concerns last Friday. "I will sit on my knees out on street corners for a few hours a day and beg residents to spit into my mouth,” he said. 
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The Onion Bagel: Death expecting ‘record numbers’ this Halloween

Steven Keehner October 31, 2020
#OnionBagel #OPINION The COVID-19 outbreak has killed over 200,000 Americans. But as many plan their Halloween parties, one Florida man expects those numbers to go up. Also, the Grim Reaper sits down with The Statesman to talk about his Halloween plans.
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Yoga standing in water. PUBLIC DOMAIN

Onion Bagel: Babies will be our entertainment overlords

Alek Lewis February 9, 2020
As I stare into the endless void that is my Instagram feed, the one millionth Baby Yoda meme enters my view and catches my attention. I can’t stop my face muscles, as they mold into a big fat grin. This one, which shows a picture of the icon holding a cup of soup, reads “When you wake up feeling a bit cran
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Album cover for Awesome Mix Vol. 1, the soundtrack for the Marvel hit Guardians of the Galaxy. PUBLIC DOMAIN

The Onion Bagel Reviews: One hour of “Ooga ooga ooga chacka”

Mike Adams March 31, 2019
The introduction to Blue Swede’s famous 1974 cover of Mark James’ “Hooked on a Feeling” contains the nonsense phrase “ooga ooga ooga chacka,” which is repeated through the first portion of the song. An individual cycle of three “oogas” and one “chacka” takes approximately two and one-tenth seconds to play through.
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A student wearing airpods.  EMMA HARRIS/THE STATESMAN

The Onion Bagel: AirPod haters of the world, unite!

Aaron San Jose March 31, 2019
Besides being a tool of bourgeois oppression, Engelstein said, the design of AirPods is fundamentally flawed.
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Associate Director of Data Network Services Michael Ospitale attributes the Wi-Fi issues to increased traffic/connections caused by infected computers and a bug code in the system. (SARA SUPRIYATNO / THE STATESMAN)

The Onion Bagel: “The semester’s already going great, really…” students say

Mike Adams February 13, 2019
“I see demons in my textbooks and I lost my sense of taste,” Ludgate said. “I am not even close to fine."
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A student stresses out while reading a textbook. The stress Holly Melancholy felt over her break led her to bake her hair into the family turkey. UBC LEARNING COMMONS/FLICKR VIA CC BY 2.0

The Onion Bagel: Holly Melancholy’s jolly Thanksgiving

Gabby Pardo November 25, 2018
Five-day break, two holidays (if you’re counting Black Friday) and there is still stress running through the mind of sophomore biology major Holly Melancholy. Class starts tomorrow and none of her assignments or papers or projects are done for the week.
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People at a Target on Thanksgiving night Nov. 22 2012 in Highland, Indiana.   DIARIOCRITICO DE VENEZUELA/FLICKR VIA CC BY 2.0

The Onion Bagel: What good is Thanksgiving anyways?

Mike Adams November 19, 2018
Thanksgiving is a time-honored American tradition that harkens back to the best this country has to offer. Compassion, family and whitewashing genocide — the very pillars of our national identity come to the forefront on the fourth Thursday of November.
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The Onion Bagel: Elevating your elevator conduct

Mike Adams November 11, 2018
Onion Bagel's top tips on surviving and thriving on the cramped elevators all over campus. From threats to murder plans, the Onion Bagel guarantees you a spot on these tight metal closets.
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Pills and money 

The Onion Bagel: Campus Adderall dealer stressed out for midterms

Mike Adams October 25, 2018
The Onion Bagel's exclusive interview with Francis Humberdink, the most prolific Adderall dealer. Midterms have been rough on him due to high demand.
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The seating in Stony Brooks Kenneth P. LaValle Stadium. NARA HWANG/STATESMAN FILE

The Onion Bagel: Steroids are the answer to athletic apathy

Mike Adams May 6, 2018
We might not ever get to see the Loch Ness monster in person, but if we could just stuff our rosters with athletes that are closer to being Klingons than human beings, then that’s good enough.
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The Onion Bagel: Curing our bloodlust caused by violent media

Kraig Klein April 8, 2018
Even games aimed at children, such as the “Super Mario” and “Sonic the Hedgehog” series, ooze with psychopathic material.
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