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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


The Onion Bagel: Alternate Social Studies

Donald Trump speaking at the 2015 Conservative Political Action Conference in National Harbor, Maryland. President Trump is one of the many guest lecturers scheduled for Stony Brook University’s new alternate social studies course. GAGE SKIDMORE/FLICKR VIA CC BY-SA 2.0

The Onion Bagel is a satirical column for The Statesman.

Stony Brook University is pleased to announce a new course for the Fall 2017 semester, thanks to generous funding from longtime donor, Robert Mercer – a Long Island native and major financial backer to the 2016 Trump campaign. Saddened by the news that Stony Brook’s Theatre Arts Department is facing a diminished role, Mercer did not want Stony Brook students to go without a well rounded cultural education.

From the people who brought you fake news and alternative facts comes Alternate Social Studies 411: Alternate History!

ASS 411 is a landmark course that will function effectively as a lecture series with a big-name instructor holding class each week to teach students on how to discern fact from alternative fact.

The guest lecturers include:

  • Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary:  You thought you knew everything there was to know about the Holocaust – that was, until you attend Professor Spicer’s class. Learn about the Holocaust centers and how Zyklon B is not a chemical weapon, but simply a garden variety pesticide. Have your whole world turned upside down when you discover that the Jews were not the targets of Hitler’s Holocaust, but, in actuality, the globalists were
  • Dr. Ben Carson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Neurosurgeon and former presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson will instruct students on the history of Egyptian pyramids. Archaeologists say that the pyramids were tombs for the Egyptian pharaohs. Dr. Carson has an alternate theory: Joseph, he of the technicolor dreamcoat, built the pyramids to store grain. Dr. Carson looked past the mainstream narrative and turned to the one place he knew he could trust – the Bible. Genesis 41:49 states “Joseph stored up huge quantities of grain, like the sand of the sea; it was so much that he stopped keeping records because it was beyond measure.” Wow! That’s a lot of grain!
  • President Donald J. Trump: In what many are calling a “bigly” addition to what is already a tremendous – absolutely tremendous – lineup of lecturers, President Donald J. Trump has agreed to come speak about his role model and predecessor: the seventh president of the United States, Andrew Jackson. Everyone knows Jackson was a great guy. Third grade history taught us about the duels and Jackson’s heroics in the War of 1812 and his generous donation of land to the Native Americans. Now, President Trump has the lowdown on the untold history. For example, did you know that many people say that Andrew Jackson would have stopped the Civil War had he been president later in the century? President Trump was a Civil War expert before he took office, after all. At the end of his lecture, President Trump has generously agreed to do a mini-lecture on Frederick Douglass, who “is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more.” Way to go Freddie!
  • Bill O’Reilly: Speaking of slaves, recent retiree Bill O’Reilly has agreed to come to Stony Brook to give a special lecture titled “No Spin History: Slaves Had It Good” – a history of the luxuries slaves were awarded and how things actually got worse after the Civil War – another thing that could have been avoided had Andrew Jackson been president in the 1860s. Afterward Professor O’Reilly is going to swing by Stony Brook’s Inter-Fraternity and Sorority Council to give a talk on workplace conduct. 

SOLAR is currently being inundated with students attempting to sign up for the class. Administration asks for patience while we work to resolve these issues.

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