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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


Street Meat: NYC could use real stress-relief centers

As surprising as it may sound, natural desires sometimes get the best of men. We lash out when we’re angry, binge when we’re hungry and most importantly, relieve ourselves when we’re stressed. Under our facade of dashing good looks and stately manner, we are civilized mammals in the end, with animal instincts and inclinations that must be fulfilled in one war or another.

With that in mind, I was delighted at first to hear that the great city of New York was going to do more to account for these natural desires by creating a masturbation booth. NYC welcomes all the hungry with open arms, but what about the horny?

But alas, it was far too progressive to be legit. The project, titled “GuyFi,” is probably just a marketing scheme to highlight the problems of workplace stress and relief. Though the booth is gone, the problem remains: What do we do about a repressed workforce?

I say if not GuyFi, then something, anything else. Workplace stress is too real of a problem and masturbation is too natural of a desire to be further ignored in the office.

No matter what sociological or political factor you think is the driving force behind stress—the interconnected, non-stop pace of the current global economy, an increasing value on work ethic, or waiting for the next season of Game of Thrones—the problem is pervasive. When the World Health Organization calls it the “health epidemic of the 21st century,” then it’s probably a big deal.

On the website for the American Institute of Stress (yup, a real thing), it reads, “Numerous studies show that job stress is far and away the major source of stress for American adults and that it has escalated progressively over the past few decades. Increased levels of job stress as assessed by the perception of having little control but lots of demands have been demonstrated to be associated with increased rates of heart attack, hypertension and other disorders.”

Even in 1999, a report from the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health showed that 25 percent of workers say his/her job is the number one source of stress in their lives, and 50 percent said they need help in learning how to manage stress. Accordingly, the Huffington Post said the term “work-life balance” was first coined in the ‘90s.

Obviously, just going into the janitor’s closet to choke the chicken won’t make men suddenly come to peace with their position, but it can at least get them ready for the afternoon meeting.

And it’s already being done anyway. A poll from New York publication Time Out found that 39 percent of employees, male and female, have masturbated during work hours before.

Wouldn’t be nice to designate a safe area where New York’s blue and white collars can rub one out together, instead of having Margaret from Human Resources walk in on you because she needed a broom from the closet?

As far as design, engineering and cost is concerned, I’m leaving that up to Mr. De Blasio’s minions. A booth in the middle of the city still seems a bit public, so I would suggest demolishing a Starbucks and erecting a semen center in its place.

Stereotypes sometime depict an animalistic, sex-hungry man chasing the virtuous, modest woman. But they ignore the simple but easily-avoidable fact that first led me to applaud the GuyFi project: men and women are both sexual animals. We both need a GuyFi-like reality to help combat workplace stress.

The Bible would have you believe that masturbation is the devil’s work, but I’m sure even the devil has jerked off on the job before.

Featured Image Credit: LaurMG

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