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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


Winners podium for worst decisions of the week

On a daily basis, we are faced with numerous decisions, some more significant than others. Am I going to actually go to class today? Should I order in or get off the couch and cook? To award those who make the most outrageous of choices, accidental or otherwise, these three people stand proud on the podium for worst decisions of the week.

The Bronze Medal: On any given day, getting ready in the morning can be an absolute nightmare. As a guy, it’s a little less stressful, but it can still waste valuable time when you’ve got a solid hike to make across campus but want to milk every second of being the center of a blanket burrito.

But ladies, we get it—getting your hair together might permit a scale of flexibility. If it’s humid, a bun isn’t a sign of defeat but a sign of one who is simply submitting to fate. And if you’re feeling especially motivated in the morning, hair spray is a viable option for those looking to go that extra mile.

For one Eastern European woman, the choice of a little Aussie wasn’t quite in the cards one recent morning. She originally thought that she had grabbed her can of hairspray from her cabinet and went to style her hair.

But the problem for this poor woman? She grabbed a can of expanding builder’s foam, which has a variety of non-cosmetic uses like acting as a sealant or an adhesive.

The understandably routine mistake sent the women to the hospital where a picture of her expanded hair began its road to viral status.

The Silver Medal: When you’re on the Washington Nationals, a team originally expected to contend for the World Series, and you don’t even make the playoffs, things can get a tad bit tense. Last week in a game against the Orioles, Nationals pitcher Jonathan Papelbon threw at Orioles star third baseman, Manny Machado, after Machado had hit a home-run two innings prior.

Bryce Harper, the probable National League MVP-to-be and Nationals outfielder, commented after the game, “It’s one of those situations where it happens, and, I don’t know, I’ll probably get drilled tomorrow.”

This refers to one of baseball’s unwritten rules—when one team’s star gets plunked, the other team’s talent better be alert the next day.

Harper didn’t get thrown at the next day, but in Papelbon’s psycho mind, teammates don’t say things like that—that’s gotta stay within the clubhouse.

So when Harper hit a lazy pop up to centerfield and he didn’t run it out, Papelbon yelled something to the effect of “You gotta run that out” and Harper jawed back at him to the point where a tussle was bound to ensue. Papelbon, being on the top step of the dugout, had the high ground and went right for Harper’s throat and got a good few seconds of a choke in before teammates intervened.

Papelbon has a reputation in baseball of being a locker room cancer where even on winning teams, he causes problems. He had only been on the Nationals for a month when the incident happened, and has been suspended for the rest of the season—three games by Major League Baseball for throwing at Machado and four games by the Nationals for the altercation with Harper.  

So a star closer who was supposed to help anchor the Nats bullpen down the stretch ended up helping the bullpen to collapse, the team to further struggle and tried to choke out one of the best players of baseball all in the matter of a month and a half. If you’re Papelbon, you really have to think about where you are in life as a baseball player.

The Gold Medal: Arachnophobia is a very real fear in the world. Grown men can be reduced to a cowering child at the sight of those eight long legs. When it comes to killing a spider, one is presented with many options: the timeless rolled up newspaper, the nearest flipflop (my personal favorite), or in the case of my sister, getting someone else to kill it while running away.

But one brave man in Michigan dared to go where no man had gone before—burning it with a lighter. But why was this so groundbreaking? This gentleman was pumping gas at a gas station. He quickly jerked his head at the sight of the arachnid on his car and fished out his lighter from his pocket. In doing so he ignited gasoline and caused quite the chaotic scene.  

Luckily for the gentleman, an attendant was nearby and was quickly able to turn the pump off and contain the fire with a nearby a fire extinguisher and avert what could’ve been a massive disaster.



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