Chianti is red,
Vaginas are pink,
Valentine’s Day sucks,
And I need a drink.
On Saturday, couples around the country came together for a very special day and shared an overpriced meal from a prix fixe menu with dim lighting at a restaurant that reeked of desperation and everyone’s expensive “special night” cologne. They will have had someone take a picture of them kissing in their fancy outfits and sent it to all their single friends even though they already uploaded it to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, YikYak, MySpace and The Chicago Tribune. They held hands regardless of how uncomfortable it was and at the end of their night, they laid down happily in each other’s arms until someone farted or started snoring.
But these are not the only interesting characters that come out only on Valentine’s Day. Most people have that one friend (usually single) who complains about how Valentine’s Day is a stupid corporate scheme to make money off of people’s desperation to feel loved and say that they will not celebrate the holiday on principle because it goes against their feminist values. Most people also have that other friend (also single) who laments about how Valentine’s Day reminds them of how alone they are in the world while listening to Celine Dion and blowing their nose with one hand while they eat Nutella from the jar with the other, spoon optional.
I personally hate every single one of those people.They are missing the entire point of Valentine’s Day. Forget the fact that no one loves you and screw your overpriced fancy dinner at 9:15 because you did not make a reservation soon enough.
Pay attention instead to all the sales on jewelry, chocolate and red lacy lingerie! Any self-loathing I experience about the fact that I will be spending Valentine’s Day with my parents will be outshined by the diamond necklace I bought myself.
And whenever my relationship-clad friends feel compelled to tell me of their fondue-filled, dark-chocolate covered, rose-scented perfect date, I remind myself that I bought myself a beautiful diamond necklace for the person that I love most in the world. All they got was a bouquet of roses from Trader Joe’s. And I did not feel obligated to shave my legs.
Valentine’s Day is not just for people in a relationship, and being in a relationship does not make a good Valentine’s Day. The worst Valentine’s Day I have ever had was while I was in a relationship. It ended very Taylor Swift-esque, with “screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain,” except it was driving to Chili’s in the rain, not kissing.
The best Valentine’s Day I have ever had the pleasure to experience did not have the candlelit dinner and declarations of love spelled out in blood from the wounds of the thorns on long-stemmed roses. It involved watching Daniel Tosh’s stand up comedy in sweatpants and eating burritos from Old Kelly Dining, which everyone knows were the superior burritos. So if you are alone this snowy Saturday, put down the jar of Nutella and and let go of your anti-commercialism rant and just remember, all it takes to make a special day is not a special person, just some really good Mexican food.
