Aside from the romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis with a cliché happy ending, no pun intended, what exactly is a friend with benefits (FWB), and more importantly, where can you find one? According to UrbanDictionary, friends with benefits consists of two people who enjoy a friendship and a sexual relationship without any emotional attachment. The lack of romantic feelings from both parties is the trademark of an FWB. Seems simple enough, right? Navigating the waters of this specialized relationship, however, requires the skills of a trained seaman. Again, no pun intended.

In an ideal friends-with-benefits world, two people can talk, catch a movie, order take-out and knock boots without having to go to Grandma’s 80th birthday bash. There are two general scenarios of an FWBR gone awry. The first occurs when the involved parties have different ideas of the intended happy ending, and no gentlemen, the lady is not always the one trying to change the meaning of “benefits” to include health benefits. As for my personal recommendation, when you get a phone call from someone who “just wants to hear your voice,” throw up your red flag, or dead bolt. Unless that statement is followed by something you wouldn’t want your mother to hear, he or she is likely planning to woo you with a flash mob in the middle of Grand Central Station. Consider yourself warned.

The second occurs when someone confuses friend-with-benefits with booty call. There is a certain degree of familiarity that differentiates the two, and it is this familiarity that takes your no pants dance to the next level of bedtime boogie. I have noticed that men seem to have a little more trouble grasping this concept than women, but nonetheless both parties can be guilty. So scroll through your text thread with your extra-special friend. Does every message from them include at least one explicit verb or a dictation of when his or her roommate is in class? Are they dressed and standing by the door before you’ve even found your underwear? Do they know your preferred pubic hair style but not your middle name?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are not a friend with benefits, you are a sex buddy. While for some this is fine, many of us find this type of arrangement a little too crude for taste. If your find yourself in this situation, do not, I repeat, do not, try and convince this person to become a little closer with you. Yes, I understand that you are only looking to have some small talk between romp sessions and you’re much more comfortable breaking out the handcuffs with someone you can be certain won’t leave and forget to uncuff you. However, your casual suggestion of grabbing dinner before “bedtime” will be misconstrued as an attempt to transition from a casual sexual relationship to a monogamous one.

A note to men on this topic, a woman you are sleeping with can invite you to see a movie without caring what dream you had last night or other useless intimate details of your life. And if she is inviting you to a movie, it is because she wants to be closer friends with you without actually having to hear you speak. Yes, we plan things like that.

So why do we bother trying to have this kind of relationship if it’s such a difficult balance to maintain? Because we are busy. I am busy, juggling 21 credits, an internship, a job, hall council, student council, and a Netflix addiction. Adding a full-time relationship into my schedule, or yours, just does not fit. But that does not mean busy people do not want to get busy. It just means they have to be more selective about the time slots they have available. Having someone to share a few guilty pleasures with and without the obligation for Sunday brunch at the Union, fills in the available space nicely (I admit, this pun was a little intentional).

Trust me, there are plenty of reasons to bump uglies with your chemistry study buddy. If any of this appeals to you, then I personally invite you to join the ranks of college students who would rather feed the kitty without actually having to own one. And ladies, if anyone tells you that no man will buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free, just remember you don’t have to buy the pig when all you want is a little meat.