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How to read the different types of drunk texts

(RADHIKA SHARMA / THE STATESMAN)
It’s common for most people to receive drunk texts at 2 a.m.(RADHIKA SHARMA / THE STATESMAN)

Texting under the influence, or TUI, is a gauntlet that claims many lives between the hours of 12 and 4 a.m. It is an obstacle course just to enter the password, but after enough squinting and severe focusing, the clarity of the numbers shines through.

Scrolling through contacts – some of which have not been used in a long time and others that should not be used at all – they find a target, aim and fire. This bad habit has become so common that the Internet has made way for it on websites like MyDrunkTexts.com.

However, not much progression has been made on how to reconcile these midnight messages in the morning. Here are some of the most common types of drunken text messages you are likely to send and receive multiple times throughout your life:

1. The Giberrish Correspondent

This texter has got a lot on their mind, but no longer has the normal cognitive function to express it. While they might think they have clearly expressed that they wish you were getting drunk right beside them, all you see is a mass of typos that looked like they texted with their fists.

2. The Tank

The Tank is the polar opposite of the Gibberish Correspondent. With tunnel vision and great practice, this texter can communicate thoughts flawlessly. You may not even be able to tell that this person is drunk. If you have had experience with being the sender, you are used to waking up without feelings of regret.

3. The Liquid-Courageous Lion

Usually this texter is about as brave as the lion on The Wizard of Oz (before he gets to the Emerald City), but a double of whiskey puts enough hair on their chest to get them worked up. They will text anyone who has upset them in the last five years. No one is safe. Hide your kids, hide your wives because they’re cussing out everybody out here.

4. The Bitter Ex

Love is a beautiful thing until it isn’t. Time heals all wounds. There are more fish in the sea. None of these clichés can diffuse a bitter ex from picking up the phone or stop them from thinking they need “closure.” A few glasses of wine with the girls or a night out with the guys and these texters start thinking about the past. They are sure to remind you of all the reasons why your flaws ended the relationship. DO NOT REPLY. That is not a road you want to go down again.

5. The Conquistador/ The Flirt

It is a booty call. Anyone can be a victim or a victimizer in this category. Hormones are racing and some people hate sleeping alone. So this texter toys with the idea of inviting over your ex or flirting with potential one-night soul mates. This can only end in one of two ways: you could get lucky or you could make things awkward.

6. Professor Confessor (love, apologies and other thoughts)

Without any inhibitions, these texters are prone to emptying a few skeletons from their closet all too easily. But these people will let you know if you are the first person on their mind when they can no longer see straight. It is definitely an ego boost when they are telling you how good of a friend you are, how much they miss your jokes and how sorry they are about any unresolved conflict or tension. ‘You were right, I was wrong,’ they will say. Just go with it.

And in the morning, they will all go back to their sober lives cringing or smiling at the things they said the night before.

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