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Mike on the Mat: Billy and Chuck’s Gay Wedding

Guess what? Billy and Chuck are not gay! It was all a publicity stunt! There was no passionate kiss, no consumption of wedding cake, and no real wedding on Saturday night.

It was all a plan by Rico and Eric Bischoff to invade Raw and beat on Stephanie McMahon. Rico lured her out by saying that the wedding needed a witness to be legal. Apparently the ten thousand or so fans in attendance watching the wedding weren’t enough witnesses.

It turns out that the Justice of the Peace officiating the wedding was actually Eric Bischoff done up expertly in make-up to resemble an elderly man, and he played the part perfectly.

When Bischoff (incognito) said the groom and groom could kiss, Billy and Chuck decided things had gone too far. Bischoff then declared that a union was a union, weather it was twenty years, sixteen hours, or three minutes, ripped off his make-up, and Jamal and Rosie ran into the ring and destroyed Chuck and Billy. A bit later, they beat on Stephanie (hooray!). Presumably, Rico was in on this, as he helped in the beating.

At this point all the lower and middle card wrestlers, many of whom haven’t been on primetime TV in six months, ran in to chase them all off. Who would have thought D-Von Dudley was so concerned about Stephanie’s health?

So, Billy and Chuck aren’t gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Of course, the crowd thought there was something wrong with that as Billy and Chuck became instant faces upon reaffirming their straightness. I thought this was unnecessary. I mean, they still suck as a tag-team (no pun intended). Wrestling needs more strong gay role models.

But wait, perhaps there are. I offer the following list of wrestler’s (in character of course) that are gay:

The Rock, who threatens to shove things up men’s asses all the time.

Goldust (no explanation necessary).

Ray Mysterio, no wait, he’s not old enough to be sure of his sexuality.

And finally, Brock Lesner, the next gay thing.

Not to mention Kane, Booker T, RVD, Jeff Hardy (not Matt), Christian, Edge, Scotty Too Hotty, Albert, Kurt Angle, John Cena, HHH, Chris Jericho, Tajiri (he screams like a girl), Funaki, Rikishi, Ric Flair, Big Show, Kevin Nash, and the rest of the cruiser weight division, especially Kidman, but except Jamie Knoble.

Maybe it needs to be said, but there are a lot of big sweaty men touching each other on a regular basis. Quite frankly a lot of our favorite wrestlers may, in fact, be gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Trivia Question of the Week: Citing legal precedents, explain why the crowds in attendance weren’t suitable witnesses to the wedding.

Also, I’m announcing my retirement as Stony Brook’s most trusted Sports Entertainment Columnist.

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