To say Stony Brook University’s campus is diverse is somewhat of an understatement. Our students come from all walks of life; they come from different races, religions, nationalities, sexual orientations and not to mention have extremely varied personalities. Knowing this, wouldn’t it be neat if someone classified all these people? Maybe by giving each quad a distinct, defining characteristic? Or even better, an actual character? How about some of the most famous characters of all: the Greek Gods.

We have six quads here at Stony Brook but I will start with Roosevelt Quad. This place is mysterious, has multiple faces and is referred to by some as “the ghetto”. Aside from those who live there, the only people who enter Roosevelt Quad are those who are brave enough to make the treacherous hike to Keller mailroom to pick up their packages. Once your business is done in Roosevelt, you want to get out of there ASAP. Thus, I would assign Roosevelt Quad Hades, the Greek God of the Underworld. Like Roosevelt’s Nobel Halls, the Underworld has its Elysium: a special place for the distinguished who were blessed with an easy afterlife.

Next, let’s take a look at H Quad. To be honest, I am not all too familiar with this quad but I do know that the Undergraduate College it is affiliated with is leadership and service, which just screams Zeus. He is known as the “Father of gods and men” and he is indeed the leader of the gods. He calls the shots. Also, its proximity to the athletic facilities also makes this quad the prime spot for athletes to reside. Athletes, especially at this level, are born leaders. They are strong, talented and aggressive. These men and women are the Zeus’ of Stony Brook University.

Now we shift to Roth Quad—this one is easy. The unique feature of Roth Quad is its green, poop filled body of water. Thus, Roth Quad is unmistakably Poseidon, the God of the Sea. Although Roth Pond does not quite do the God of the Sea justice, I feel as though I am obliged to make this association because there just isn’t any other Quad with a famous, or in this case infamous, body of water in it. Maybe we could bring more honor to Poseidon by doing something about the filth that is Roth Pond, but that is just a thought.

What about Tabler? It is the home of some of the most intelligent and artsy students in the entire university. This is a toss-up between Apollo and Athena—Apollo, amongst other things, is the God of poetry and music while Athena’s area of expertise include arts, crafts and wisdom. This is a tough choice and I believe that the quad is influenced by both of them. Together, they envelope the unique characteristics of the people who live in Tabler Quad. Of course, I could have based my choice on the (alleged) ubiquitous smell of marijuana but let’s be honest, that could be used for any Quad.

Kelly Quad is known as the Undergraduate College of Human Development, which immediately makes me think of Prometheus. Although he is not a God, Prometheus is an incredibly powerful Titan who is responsible for making men from clay. I understand that human development isn’t actually supposed to mean constructing human beings but give me some credit here, I’m trying.

Last but not least is Mendelsohn Quad, the Undergraduate College of Information and Technology. Mendelsohn is the embodiment of Hermes, the messenger of the Gods. So great are Hermes’ abilities that he became a God himself. Hermes spread valuable information throughout Mt. Olympus and the world using some pretty sweet technology: shoes that have wings! I would kill for a pair of those kicks.

Before I conclude this impractical but fun rant, I would like to take a moment to recognize the West Apartments—a magical place filled with upperclassmen in which almost anything can happen. In West, people mind their own business, Resident Assistants have relatively little concern about their residents and substances can have free reign. I give these people the coolest Greek God of all: Dionysus, the God of winemaking, wine and ecstasy. Yes, there is God of winemaking. Most of you probably knew that, but you’re welcome.