Dear Stella,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. He is still friends with this girl he used to date and was intimate with. She knew that we were dating and a few months ago she basically confessed her love to him. I thought this was really rude and inconsiderate of her to do. Of course he said no to her and made it clear that he loves me and wants to marry me and only wants to be friends with her. Recently we went to Boston together and met up with this friend of his. He said we didn’t have to but I persisted and told him I could handle it. It turned out to be a horrible experience. I couldn’t handle seeing him around her, even though I know they are just friends. The whole weekend was upsetting. Afterward I told him and he said that he would never talk to her again. I told him that he should continue talking to her because I know that he doesn’t have a lot of friends and I feel bad taking a friend away just because I have some jealousy issues. I know that we’re not going to break up over this and I don’t want him to stop being friends with her, but I just can’t stop thinking about it.’ How I can stop getting so upset over something I know is silly? Should I tell him to stop being friends with her? Help me!

Sincerely,
Jealous

Dear Jealous,
I hear you! In the past, I myself have dealt with a similar situation. I believe that your confidence regarding their friendship will be what helps you through this. You need to remain calm and understand that he loves you, and only wants to be intimate with you. Although it does seem threatening that he dated her in the past, what you have obviously means more to him, since he offered to stop talking to her.

I think it shows a great deal regarding your character that you have been so tolerant of such an uncomfortable situation. Your boyfriend loves you enough to offer you options that will allow him to cut her off, but you, in turn are being considerate in allowing him to remain friends. Although I agree with your decision in allowing him to be friends, I believe you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. I think you need to make it clear to him that you love him and care for him, and this is the reason you are allowing him to make this decision regarding his ex.

He will realize how you feel and act according to this. He seems like a very reasonable guy since he already offered to let her go. I don’t believe it is fair to his ex for him to cut her off completely, however, it’s important that you establish to him that you are his priority and vice versa. Nothing, and no one should come between you two, and if you believe you can handle them remaining friends, this is your best option.

Do not resort to making him jealous with an ex of your own, or any of your close guy friends. Men think differently, and it may muddle your situation further. The passive-aggressive, open-lines-of-communication method is what generally works best in these types of situations.

Best of luck to you! I hope all goes well.

Sincerely Yours,
Stella Starr