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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

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    Mike on the Mat: Spotlight on the Old Folks

    Apparently since Wrestlemania Vince has been raiding the retirement community for talent.’ Raw has Goldberg, and Sable and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper have returned to Smackdown.’ The next storyline will be an invasion angle by the AARP.

    Let’s start with Sable.’ I have no idea why she’s back.’ Why would Vince McMahon want her back after she sued the WWF for $110 million?’ Why would she want to come back after leaving because the locker room despised her (once someone filled her gym bag with feces) and because she did not want to do a lesbian storyline (which she is now doing)?’ I didn’t like her back when she was on originally, and I really don’t like her now.’ I never found her to be terribly attractive in the first place, and now she looks twenty years older, barely hidden under massive amounts of make up.’ ‘ Hell I never thought she was that hot in the first place; too artificial, as if her plastic surgery was going to crack and her face and breasts would start leaking.’ Yuck.’

    Besides the issue of weather or not she’s a sex symbol for the WWE, her current storyline involvement is retarded.’ I don’t care weather or not she’s going to have HLA with Torrie.’ I don’t even really care about Torrie either.’ Both of their breast implants could explode at the next pay per view for all I care.’ Well…that would be kind of cool.

    The next superstar to have his cobwebs dusted off and be thrown in the spotlight again is Rowdy Roddy Piper.’ In this case, it might not be a bad thing though.’ Piper always promises to be entertaining on the mike during his Piper’s Pit segments, and you never know when he might finally snap.’ WWE wisely put him on Smackdown where his psychotic rants can be edited just in case he decides to start blaming people for Owen Hart’s death again.’ I kind of wish they would let him be live on RAW (of course I wouldn’t be able to watch it during the school year) for the sheer suspense of never knowing what he might say.’ It’d add a lot more suspense to the show.

    Still there’s a downside to the return of Piper, and that’s the possibility that he might wrestle Hogan.’ This would be disastrous to say the least, surely a contender for worst match ever.’ The thought of Piper wrestling again with his false hip is scary; then again, given the current state of WWE performers he’ll fit right in with the Quad Squad (Triple H and Kevin Nash).’ He’s still sharp on the mike, but I don’t see his new pot belly being an asset for in-ring action.

    Who’s next?’ Oh, right Goldberg…who cares.’ He bores me.’ Much like Triple H he’ll spend most of his time squashing mid-carders who might deserve a push.’ I just can’t get behind a guy who brags about having a move set consisting of two moves.’ Goldberg claims to be returning to wrestling to entertain the kids.’ How fucking heartwarming, but he won’t be entertaining them at house shows which he refuses to do. So if a kid spends his hard earned money to attend a house show, TFB.

    What a pussy prima donna.’ ‘ When asked about Goldberg, Stony Brook sophomore Wally Chang, declared, “Goldberg is a fool.”‘ That about sums it up.’ Mary Vargas, a person I made up says, “I hope he has a match against RVD, and RVD injures him, like when RVD crushed Triple H’s windpipe…that was really cool.”

    And what’s that, do you hear what I hear? Yes it’s the sound of Kevin Nash’s quadriceps snapping again! Yes Kevin Nash returned to Raw last week, and what was his first action? Squashing Jericho in five seconds.’ Destroying Jericho must be some kind of initiation for large wrestlers who lack talent.’ Well, with Nash back, if his quadriceps hold up, he’ll probably be wrestling Triple H soon, brushing Booker T, the only one of the three with some skills remaining, off to the side.’ Did I mention that Kevin Nash is big and slow, and I hate him?’ Raw is WCW.

    Mike’s public service announcement: If you’re over six feet tall, and weight almost three hundred pounds, and your opponent is three quarters of the way across the ring do not attempt the shooting star press.

    Until next week, screw you Goldberg, and Triple H, and get well Kurt.

    ‘ Email Mike at [email protected]

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