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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

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    Mike on the Mat

    Wrestlemania XIX is among us and finally the WWE hasfigured out how to properly use Roman Numerals. This year’s festivitiesare mainly centered on the theme of heterosexual buddies. This will becomeobvious as we run down the matches.

    Heterosexual buddies Lance Storm and Chief Morley willface mismatched buddies RVD and Kane for the world tag team championship in amatch I don’t care about. RVD and Storm can do some interesting thingsin the ring, but it’s going to be death the moment Kane steps into thering to, say it with me, and slow the pace of the match.

    The true tag team championships will be up for grabs ina three-way match feature Los Guerreros, heterosexual buddies Team Angle, andmega-heterosexual buddies Chris Benoit and Rhyno (aka team neck injury).I’m calling this match to be match of the night and possibly a match ofthe year. Everyone involved is in top form, and doing amazing things in thering lately.

    And in a completely useless tag team match ultragreased heterosexual buddies Big Show and Ass Train will take on heterosexualbuddies Nathan Jones and Undertaker. Um, right, time for a bathroom break.

    The Cruiser weight championship is on the line in aspecial child abuse match when Matt Hardy faces twelve year old contender ReyMysterio. This should be great, and I can’t wait for the specialWrestlemania Matt facts. Hopefully Rey Mysterio will win the belt, since Mattisn’t quite a cruiser weight.

    Perhaps the most anticipated match of the night is whenChris Jericho, self proclaimed living legend, fights living legend ShawnMichaels. These two should tear up the ring if allowed a good amount of time,and this one may well steal the show.

    In the night’s race war, Triple H will defendthe World Heavyweight title against Booker T. Triple H has been playing therace card against Booker for a few weeks leading up to this match, andhopefully Booker T will get revenge for his politically incorrect comments andtake the belt. Of course Triple H will probably win because despite the factthat he sucks huge donkey ass, he always wins. My hope for this match is thatBooker T shoots and kicks Triple H in the injured quadriceps as hard as he can.

    Also for the third time at a Wrestlemania Rock willface Austin, but at this point it feels kind of stale and forced, but maybethese two will surprise us. Speaking of old and stale, Vince McMahon will faceOld timer Hulk Hogan in the match to end all matches.

    Well not really, but I give both men credit forspectacular physiques at their age, due to the fountain of youth known asanabolic steroids.

    The most anticipated match of the night will be BrockLesnar vs. Kurt Angle for the WWE championship. Unforutnately KurtAngle’s neck is seriously injured going into this match, and I fear thatBrock Lesnar is going to kill him. I’m torn between foaming at the mouthto watch this, and being terrified that I’m going to see the end ofAngle’s career, and possibly Angle himself.

    To end this Wrestlemania article I’d like tocongratulate Monsoor Kahn on the most condescending article in theStatesman’s thirty some years. I have a D average and got a 6 on theMCATs, and I’d just like to personally thank him for keeping me fromwasting time applying to medical school.

    Email Mike at mailto:[email protected]

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