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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

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    Shut the Hell up, Michael Cole! and other thoughts.

    This week I’#146;ll be taking a critical look at the most heard-from superstars in the WWE today – the commentators. They come in two varieties, the color commentator who offers up comic relief, and the play-by-play man, who plays it straight and concentrates on the match at hand.

    Monday night offers up Jim Ross (J.R.) and Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler. Jim Ross is the play-by-play man, and he’#146;s been doing it since before most of us were born. I can’#146;t find too many negative things to say about Ross. He comes out every week, and plays the perfect counterpart to The King’#146;s over-the-top character. He calls the action perfectly and doesn’#146;t mistake the names of common wrestling moves. My only complaint after watching him for all these years is his outrage whenever heels do something evil. I know it’#146;s his job to get a heel over, but when Triple H does something heinous for the 100th time, how surprised can you be?

    Jerry Lawler has thankfully toned down his horny, dirty-old-man routine in recent weeks. His over the top antics are, for the most part, amusing, but his recent obsession with puppies has been stretched thin. Acting like a 15-year-old when you’#146;re 50 doesn’#146;t cut it. Other than that, he is the perfect gag man to J.R.’#146;s straight act.

    (Note to campus communications: We need TNN so we can all watch RAW and see what I’#146;m talking about!)

    And now I’#146;ll run down what a god-awful retard Michael Cole is. His shock at a heel’#146;s evil-doing is just as annoying as J.R.’#146;s, except that Cole has no talent. I personally thought the greatest event of 2001 was when Austin gave Cole the beating of his life. Cole is supposed to be the play-by-play man, but he doesn’#146;t know the name of any wrestling moves! He’#146;s been doing this for five years now! You’#146;d think he’#146;d know the difference between a power bomb and a spinebuster! Someone needs to sit him down with some wrestling tapes and smack him in the head every time he calls a suplex a body slam. Words cannot begin to describe how much of a moron Michael Cole is, nor how I wish he would suffer a debilitating vocal chord accident.

    His partner on the show, Tazz often handles double duty, as he does color commentary but has to forever correct Michael Cole for his pure stupidity. Tazz is brilliant in both roles. He has a unique personality that is often as insightful as it is humorous. He’#146;s been in the ring a lot, and knows from personal experience what it’#146;s like. His “Brooklynite” philosophy is laugh out loud funny.

    Finally, I’#146;d like to offer a bit of advice to the WWE’#146;s commentators, and settle some contention. Certain moves will only get a two count, always. There is no reason, for example, to declare the match over when RVD goes for the pin after the rolling thunder, or Chris Benoit attempts a cover after his flying head butt. Unless Vince McMahon suddenly becomes faithful to Linda, these moves will never receive a three count.

    Email Mike at [email protected]

    “What if?” scenario of the week: What if’#133;instead of Vince McMahon’#146;s company changing its name, those animal-hugging hippies had to change their name to World Wildlife Entertainment?

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