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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman


    Headlining “Indecision ’08”

    On the night of the election, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert decided to join their mock newscasts together for a special treat of wacky political humor while the votes were being counted.

    Colbert started off by saying that Stewart’s name of the show, “America’s Choice,” wasn’t good enough. “That’s not the name of an election special,” he said. “That’s a generic supermarket brand?let’s move up. Chuck, juice it!”

    Special effects took over the screen as random pictures of the candidates flashed, along with “vote here” signs, people going into poll booths, Zeus throwing down lightning to the earth below him, monster trucks running over cars, and sumo wrestlers fighting, portraying the battle of this election. But what was Colbert’s title of the show? “The Final End Game Alpha Action Go Time Lift-Off Decide-icidal Hungry Man’s Raw Extreme Power Ultimate Vote Slam Smack Down ’08 No Mercy: Judgment Day ’08.” Now that may not roll off the tongue very well, but it sure is one heck of a title.

    Just when Stewart seemed defeated by Colbert’s take on the title, he did something unexpected. He lit Dick Gephardt, former majority leader of the House of Representatives, on fire, and then blew him up. Colbert gave him kudos for that. This was just the beginning of the hilarity that would take place Tuesday night.

    With Stewart reporting that Obama was taking the states that McCain needed to win, Colbert wanted to hang on with his home state of South Carolina, saying John McCain was predicted to win there. “This is especially good because this year, South Carolina is the bonus state,” he said. “It triples your electoral count. This is far from over, Jon.” Colbert then started to pet a cockatoo that was sitting on his shoulder.

    Colbert poked fun at McCain by saying people in Kentucky call him the “Louisville Slugger.” “I did not realize that,” laughed Stewart. “Yes,” began Colbert, “because he is ten percent pork,” referring, of course, to the pork barrel spending McCain would bring up at past debates.

    During the show, Stewart decided to ask his Senior Electoral Correspondent, John Oliver, what the president-elect would be up against. “Well Jon, the incoming president is inheriting a multilayered problem,” said Oliver. “One layer being a debt to China so enormous, that the Chinese are legally allowed to keep you as pets. Another layer, financial implosion so dire that Americans have started e-mailing Nigerian princes. And a quick word to Nigerians on that one — don’t do it, it’s a scam!” The audience roared with laughter as Oliver came up with different crude names for this problem sandwich.

    Although Colbert, who supported McCain, was aware Obama would be to be the victor, he had no trouble continuing to make fun of the Illinois senator Colbert asked Steve Forbes, Forbes chairman and chief executive, “If McCain loses tonight, give him some advice. How can he soothe himself with his millions and millions of dollars?”

    When the results were just about over and Obama was clearly in the lead, Colbert wanted to take out his frustration and blame why his party was losing. “I’m like McCain. I never say die, but I always say blame,” he said. “There’s got to be somebody to blame here. You want blame? I blame the plumbers. The plumbers obviously did not show Jon or we would have won. I’m sure tomorrow they’re going to say, ‘Oh yea we stopped by, but nobody was there, so we left.'” The audience cracked up as Colbert sat back in frustration.

    After the results were closed, Obama was elected the new president, and the crowd erupted with cheers and applause. Colbert put on goggles and headphones while the other cast members of Stewart’s show ran around in panic not knowing what to do since the campaign was finally over.

    If you missed the show go to to get the full episode. It’s laugh out loud funny.

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