A high-ranking Stony Brook official has been indicted on charges of being part of a far-reaching call-girl ring at Stony Brook University police said. The ring which operated from Roosevelt Quad to H-Quad was a place where high priced escorts were paid up to $4200 in cash or tuition vouchers for family members, for nights with the appalling administrator.

Stony Brook students did not make up the group of call-girls, but it seems as if the university was a base for the outrageous official’s out of control outfit. The investigation is still in progress but early indications are that he used Stony Brook student’s tuition money and athletic fees for his conniving corruption.

The service, entitled Stony Brook Club VIP, seems to have basked in its connection to a college, even if it was only by name. The escorts were ranked through a contemptible GPA system. Our publication acquired an underground brochure that explained it all. Call-girls who were 4.0’s where the best of the best. Young women who were 3.0’s were solid choices who occasionally had the potential to do “great work.” Escorts who were 2.0’s were not in as high demand as the girls above but were still used by others in the greater Stony Brook area. Lastly, 1.0 females were ones who were rather undesirable and “needed tutoring” as the brochure said. Campus dining became suspicious of the bumbling bureaucrat when they noticed that he made huge meal plan transfers to his premium meal card. It seems that while he was ok spending college students money for his despicable desires, he wanted no part of spending his own money on food for his women of ill-repute. His women of the street. The dastardly despot is in round the clock meeting with his inner circle of conspirators to decide on his next move. He is facing pressure to resign from his post from the Stony Brook Republicans as well as every person in the university.

He is scheduled to speak at a 2:00 p.m. news conference with his wiretapping wife.