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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

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    SBU Unveils New Montauk Campus

    First came SUNY Manhattan, then came SUNY Southampton. Stony Brook has clearly been on a mission to expand its empire. Now the only thing left to do is to conquer off the island. SUNY Montauk will offer classes in a unique way, by giving classes out at sea. Stony Brook is the first school in the world to feature classes on board.

    “We are proud to announce the opening of SUNY Montauk,” proclaimed Lord Shirley Strum Kenny, “Stony Brook must have its name spread all around the world, but we can only reach that goal one step at a time. Montauk is a starting point for attracting students off the island.”

    The ferry will travel to coastal areas along Connecticut and Massachusetts. “With ferry as transportation, we will be able to attract students that can’t get housing on campus with all the tripling,” said Dallas Bauman of campus residences, “the kids can simply catch the boat, attend classes, and go home after a hard day of work.”

    “I think its great that they are offering classes on a ferry,” said Jack Sparrow, an avid sailer and sophomore, “I can work on my tan, and get a college degree on the side.”

    “I never wanted to go to college,” said Will Turner, a prospective student, “but now Stony Brook has opened my eyes to the true meaning of education. No child left behind has done its job.”

    The ferry will be custom built by the same people that constructed the Wang Center. “At the center of the ferry we will feature a large abstract metal statue,” said Jack Black, a construction worker, “it will represent Wolfie, just like how the Wang Center has a pagoda on the roof.”

    Additional class capacity will be accommodated on additional boats. “These life boat style boats will hold recitation for classes like chemistry, physics, and math,” said Dean Stein.

    Moreover, the ferry will provide many activities and places to eat. “Starbucks will open on time,” said Lisa Ospitale,the director of marketing and a campus dining spokeswoman, “and we will open a restaurant called ‘Seawolfies.'”

    Fishing will be the newest sport. “Our team will compete against one another to see who catches the biggest fish, said Matthew Han, a sports director, “unfortunately we don’t have any other schools to compete against yet, but one lucky team member will get free tuition for catching the biggest fish.” “Stony Brook offers many scholarships for people that truly deserve it,” Han continued.

    Opening up a school at Montauk Point will be no doubt an investment. However, money will not be an issue due to reallocating funds.

    “The chemistry labs are falling apart,” said Chemilla Organo, a chemistry department spokesperson, ” there aren’t enough labs for all the students, the rooms are leaking, and the rooms simply need to be renovated for almost ten years now. However, the opening of a SUNY Montauk will provide amazing educational opportunities for a special 100 students.” SUNY Southampton and SUNY Manhattan also have the same approximate 100 student class size. One chemistry professor expressed concern for laboratory. “Our laboratory results will have large margins of error due to deviations of atmospheric pressure,” she said.

    All in all, there are high expectations for SUNY Montauk. “Lets just hope no one gets sea sickness,” said Kenny.

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