When I first heard about the impending Mitchell Report, which will blow the cover off steroids use in major league baseball, I was floored by the implications the report could have. Finally, everyone would know who had gained an unfair advantage. Everyone would be able to point a finger at the creeps who had defiled America’s pastime.
But then I got to thinking; If the tentacles of such shameless and dishonest behavior had infiltrated the hallowed diamond, then what sort of unfair advantages could have been gained elsewhere?
And at this point I was at levels of thinking rarely reached. I was firing on all cylinders, when it hit me. Could performance enhancing hit Stony Brook University? The mind-boggling nature of my self-directed query was too much to handle. Surely the upstanding individuals associated with this fine university would be above such vile behavior.
But what I found out shocked me. Stony Brook University is a haven for performance enhancing, and to make it worse, the environment at Stony Brook facilitates the need to get an edge. The following is my exhaustive, thoroughly researched, in-depth investigative report on the out of control use of performance enhancing substances at Stony Brook.
‘I do it because it helps me succeed. I feel better, bounce back sooner and feel stronger,’ said junior Justin Smith. ‘Especially with finals coming up, I need to drink energy drinks to stay awake.’ The ease with which he admitted his use was evidence of how far gone he already was. And this was just the beginning.
Many of the people interviewed for the investigation said that they took performance enhancers for increased durability and a dangerous trend of combining substances emerged. ‘I had an 8:30 am class and took a caffeine pill before and bought an energy drink to have during it,’ said junior Gene Morris.
Such out in the open and blatant substance abuse is something that has become the norm at Stony Brook. But the reasons for this contemptible environment go deeper than I initially suspected. Using a complex system of Facebook wall posts and pokes, instant messages and anonymous post-it notes that were slipped under my door I was able to track down the supply chain for the performance enhancement market.
I was dismayed to learn of pharmaceutical halls such as Union Commons, the SAC and Kelly where you can walk up to the register, performance enhancer in hand, and purchase it from ’employees’. The culture of these substances has been as deep rooted at Stony Brook as all-nighters and lectures are.
The names of these ‘drinks’, as they are called on the street, are so in your face, that the intent to flout authority is obvious. Names like ‘Rockstar’, ‘Full Throttle’ and ‘Coffee’ are an affront to everyone who does it by the book. Time will tell if this culture of performance enhancement and copious substance abuse will ever stop but it is clear that not everyone is happy about it and some are ready to speak out on the subject.
‘I am wholeheartedly against the practice. I have never used a substance to gain an unfair advantage,’ said alumnus and current dosimetrist Paul Bongiovi. ‘I do it the old fashioned way. Cat naps. Lots and lots of cat naps.’
