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The Statesman

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The Statesman

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    Book of James: Revelation XI

    It may or may not come as a surprise to learn that America is in the throws of a rapid moral decline.’ While this is the sort of rhetoric one might expect from Jerry Falwell, he is a perfect example of the pervasiveness of this decade.’ Any man that can blame the terrorist attacks of 9/11 on gays and lesbians is fit to become the poster child for the sort of stupid behavior that we need to stop.’ I believe the best way to bring ourselves back to our senses is to perform the Truck Driver Test early and often.

    The Truck Driver test is simple: whenever you are about to make decisions of varying degrees of importance, imagine ten truck drivers sitting in a diner, drinking a cup of coffee.’ Imagine yourself telling them your idea, and imagine their reaction.’ That is the Truck Driver Test.

    This is how the Truck Driver Test might have helped Jerry Falwell, had he taken the thirty seconds to conduct it.’ ‘Terrorists took down the Twin Towers, killing over 3,000 Americans because gays want the right to marry,’ he might have told a group of imaginary truck drivers.’ These hard working Americans would have surely scratched their heads and muttered, ‘You sure about that?’ Sounds pretty stupid to me.” Hence, the Truck Driver test.

    I consider myself a good decision maker, and as such, I conduct the Truck Driver Test nearly daily.’ Just last week, I was discussing my future after graduation with my parents.’ We were talking about the high cost of rent, about the need to be autonomous, and so forth.’ Up popped the idea of living in a large shed in my parents’ ample backyard.’ Better yet, a Winnebego in the back would be far more flexible.’ Before moving past that point, I asked my father to perform the Truck Driver Test.’ We laughed, and decided it wasn’t a good idea.’ The test probably went as such, ‘Hey fellas, I live in my parents’ backyard in a trailer.’ And I just graduated college with honors.’ Sound good?” The drivers promptly slapped their knees, threw their heads back, and laughed.

    To put this into a better context, most people aren’t good at objectively judging their own behavior. They operate by ambiguous guidelines and without any oversight.’ This is the source for deviant behavior.’ A psychology graduate school, known for its psychodynamic orientation, is even better known for its ridiculous interview tactics.’ Rather than have any sort of meaningful conversation with applicants, interviewers for this school sit in the corner and say nothing for two hours.’ At the end of those two hours, they decide whether or not you are competent to pursue an education in psychology.’ These are a group of people who have never conducted the Truck Driver Test.’ Ever. They have spent their professional lives burrowing their heads under the sand at the first sight of normalcy, and have become deviant as a result.’ Had they stepped back for just one moment and asked themselves how normal people might interpret that, I am confident that good sense would have prevailed.

    Finally, George W. Bush is a man who hates truck drivers.’ He has never taken the test, likely for fear of failing miserably.’ He never once stepped back to ask such important questions as, ‘Is cutting taxes during a time of war good for this country? Does sending in only 130,000 troops to Iraq, ignoring the advice of my top generals, make any sense?’ and ‘Whilst in our War on Terror, is it in our best interests to allow a company based in a Middle Eastern country, one which supports terrorism, take over a good portion of our seaports?” Truck drivers would have not only failed him – they would have ridden him out on a rail.

    The Truck Driver Test is all about keeping it real.’ I urge all of you, the readers of my column, to remember this very important lesson.’ If you have a decision to make, and you feel it is worth making the right one, step back for a moment and ask yourself if it makes sense.’ Please.

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