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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

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    Book of James: European Cars are Toys

    I am about to reveal to all of you one of my intellectual shortcomings: I don’t understand Europeans.’ Specifically, European cars.’ They seem like toys, engineered, styled, and built without any regard to actually being driven.’ If America lives on planet Earth, Europe is somewhere between Mars and Pluto.

    Like many expensive toys, European cars are pretty.’ Maseratis, Lambourghinis, and even Fiats can be aesthestically pleasing at times.’ But like momma always said, you ought not be judging a book by its cover.’ Under the hood of that cute little Fiat might reside a 3-cylinder engine, producing well under 100hp.’ Still think it’s cute?’ It’s enough to make a real American, from the Heartland, turn ill.

    There is a reason why they don’t sell 3-cylinder cars that get 60mpg in the US: they are unAmerican.’ I’d go so far to say as they are anti-American.’ Not only do they not pass the minimum standards of safety that we have in the good ol’ US of A, they are simply impractical.’ Imagine selling this to a family of four: a car that barely fits two adults, kills you in a car crash, and takes three years to get to 60 mph?’ And yet, Europeans seem to buy them.’ Go figure.

    Why are Europeans so grossly disconnected from reality?’ This is a question that might never be answered.’ I do think it is important to address that, in terms of automobiles, they are quite insane.’ Europeans, including the British, hate cars.’ They mark up the price of gasoline to an extreme, have small little roads (with the exception of Germany and the like), and charge astronomical rates for automobiles in general.’ Europe is anti-car.

    Whenever somebody talks about the great little cars that GM or Ford sell oversees, do not believe them.’ Those cars are neither wonderful nor worth your time.’ I would rather drive an SUV that gets 15mpg and sit comfortably (secure in the knowledge that if I hit a tree, I will live) than drive a little toy car built by the French.

    It’s easy to trash the bottom range of cars in Europe, you might think. I think the same criticisms can be leveled against European luxury models.’ Between Maserati, Bugatti, Lambourghini, Rolls Royce, and a slew of other niche brands, Europe gives you umpteen chances to blow your money on fancy toys that serve little to no purpose. They are cool, granted.’ But so is a slinky.

    Where is the middle of the range?’ Where are the European people haulers that are fun to drive?’ Where is the European equivalent of the Infiniti FX, or the British Honda Pilot?’ They don’t exist.’ I call upon the European auto industry to grow up.’ Or die completely. Whichever.

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