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The Statesman

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The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

Newsletter

    Editorial: The Press Succeeds in Steering the Statesman

    When the Stony Brook Press debuted their most controversial issue to date, with a giant phallis representing the Statesman and all we stood for, our editorial board was sent reeling, searching for a silver lining to this very dark cloud.’ After reading and truly absorbing the Press’ scathing attacks on our coverage of the broken campus dining organization, we are proud to announce sweeping reforms here at the Statesman.

    We have adopted the long-held belief at the Press that power corrupts absolutely, and therefore quoting any official sources for an investigative news piece only sullies the quality of our reporting.’ Going forward, we will do our absolute best to avoid any primary sources in our coverage of these important events.’ Like the news great Rush Limbaugh, we have come to believe that the truth does not exist in the small minds of administrators- it exists in our collective gut.’ We sincerely regret having spoken with the enemy in our meal plan coverage and vow to never let it happen again.

    After careful consideration, we have decided to cut and run from our standing policy of only covering the news that is pertinent to Stony Brook and the surrounding community.’ Look forward to hard-hitting coverage on such important issues as why George Bush sucks, how the War in Iraq makes me feel bad, and of course, borrowed headlines and content from USA Today.’ And like the paper we now strive to emulate, no citations will be made.

    Effectively immediately, all journalism majors in our ranks will be required to either change their major or accept positions as Ombudsmen.’ As we forge a bold new path, their stuffy and bland journalistic style can no longer hold us back.’ While examining our current standards for writers, we would like to announce to prospective members some new ground rules.’ Anyone with firm career goals may want to reconsider their participation in Statesman 2.0.’ As a consequence, we see the median age of the average statesman rising significantly. We will only be stronger for the life experience of our wisened staff.

    The Press recently learned that less is more when it comes to both content and scope of coverage.’ We agree.

    Things to expect in future Statesman issues: at least 12 pages of editorial picks, 8-10 pages of inspired comics, and beautiful, eye-catching covers that just beg for prior restraint.

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