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The Statesman

The Student News Site of Stony Brook University

The Statesman

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    The Book of James: Revelation VIII

    I want Fred Thompson to be the next Leader of the Free World.’ I do not claim to know much about him.’ In fact, I know very little about this politician, save for hearing that he is very conservative.’ None of this matters, though.’ I just want him to be our President.’ Even his name is all-American.’ Fred.’ Thompson.’ That’s the name of a leader if I ever did hear one.

    As a nation, we have endured nearly two terms of a broken man with poor speaking skills who laughs nervously when in front of the camera.’ It would be very hard to mis-underestimate him, indeed.’ Before that, our television screens were filled with the smooth and somewhat unctuous message of a lady-killer;’ and before him, a man who more resembles Dana Carvey than he does a president of this great nation.’ We need a big man with big presence. We need Fred Thompson.

    Fred, as I will genially refer to him from this point forward, looks and talks like a leader.’ His southern twang, his large build, and his aged face only go to tell the American people that everything is going to be okay; that even though the world can be a scary place, it is all going to be okay.’ We had punks running the show for a very long time, between Dick Cheney’s signature snarl and Karl Rove’s maniacal smile.’ They are the children who were always jealous of the football players and would spend their time sulking and plotting, whilst playing long games of Dungeons and Dragons.’ Fred, on the other hand, is precisely the man that the malevolent nerds hated: the jock, handsome and charismatic, who even did well in math class.

    I want to be able to turn on the television and have respect for my president.’ Dubya makes that nearly impossible.’ He is a man who exudes incompetence, from his inability to wage war effectively to his inability to take care of his people.’ Bush is not in it for the right reasons.’ Bush practices the economics of rapine – the economy that so many men and women have worked so hard to build provides him with fat to carve away, taking profits for himself and his cronies.’ You can see it in his eyes, and he makes no attempt to hide it.’ Any man that cannot at least pretend to be presidential is thoroughly unworthy to be my president.

    Perhaps even more importantly, Fred Thompson draws a stark contrast with the other contenders on the field for 2008.’ Let’s go down the list.’ There’s John McCain, the Maverick.’ The Maverick who is bending over backwards to support the right-wingers, flip-flopping on every issue he can get his hands on, and running a very amateur race.’ The Maverick who is so desperate to be president that he practically begs to be one.

    There’s Rudy Giuliani, America’s Mayor.’ Unfortunately, firefighters hate the Hero of 9/11, as he cut their funding and worked them to the bone without adequate resources in the days after the Twin Towers fell.’ And wait until he opens his mouth – I mean the man no offense, but being able to speak is essential to performing the job well, as our current president has so eloquently demonstrated.

    Mitt Romney.’ I’ll be honest, I like the guy.’ It was recently reported, however, that he has recently been diagnosed with a rare and possibly fatal disease: McCain Syndrome.’ This is another moderate leader who feels the need to whore himself out to the religious right, pretending to be what he obviously is not.’ There’ll be no whores in my White House.

    Barack Obama is so afraid to open his mouth that I find him painful to watch.’ Once he starts tackling the issues, they are going to eat the poor man alive.’ He is made of paper, and therefore, not presidential material.

    Everybody used to love John Edwards.’ With his Southern charm and perfect hair, the ladies went ga-ga for good ol’ John.’ That’s before he started talking tax hikes.’ Goodbye, John.

    Fred’s only rival, as I see it, is Hillary Clinton.’ Fred versus Hillary.’ I like it.’ She has about 70 IQ points on all her competitors, and has been described by close associates as cold, calculating, and unfeeling.’ And yet, she manages to move a crowd like few others, perfectly on message every single time she speaks.’ Her conduct during the Iraq War is nothing short of brilliant, walking a very fine line between being a New York Liberal and a true leader, bent on defending America from those despicable Iranians.’ What Hillary lacks is Fred’s heart, and I would love to see the two duke it out.

    Nevertheless, Fred, you’re our Man for All Seasons, our Fearless Leader, our Wisened Father.’ We need you. Your country needs you.’ I count on you, Fred, to rise to the challenge.’ You won’t regret it.

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