The Onion Bagel is a satirical column for The Statesman.
Not to be dramatic, but I’m starting to rethink all my life choices. After pouring out my blood, sweat and tears for three academic years and drowning in debt, I’m reconsidering what degrees I’m pursuing as I approach the start of my senior year with the kind of blind optimism that only existential dread and years of tuition payments can produce.
Currently, I’m double majoring in journalism and political science, which basically means I’ve chosen to specialize in being unemployed with honors! Real journalism these days is uncovering that TikTok influencer Ashton Hall can defy gravity mid-dive for four minutes in a pool clearly marked “No Diving.” And political science? At this point, it’s just glorified fan fiction for people who still believe in the Electoral College.
After spending three years and racking up an undisclosed amount of debt, I’ve come to a revolutionary conclusion — one that might actually justify my time at Stony Brook University.
What this campus needs isn’t another overpriced, off-brand fast-food chain or a department pretending to prepare us for “the real world.” What we need is a home economics program. I’m talking a full-blown, academic powerhouse with lab hours, research grants and a minor in basic survival under late-stage capitalism.
And listen, when I inevitably airdrop my research proposal to Secretary of Homeland Security Pete Hegseth’s iPhone (because sure, why not), I fully expect it to be approved on the spot. I’m clearly advancing traditional family values … just rebranded, with feral feminist spice and a linen apron decorated with scissor drawings.
So, I’ve made a bold, strategic decision: I’m starting college over, so that I can earn a degree in home economics. A brilliant course code for this degree would rightly be: HMEC.
Because when the Department of Education is functionally cosplaying as a student loan shark and my degree is less useful than Instagram’s Threads, practical skills are starting to look revolutionary. Maybe they can help me fulfill my fantasy: becoming a housewife for a man who thinks their “real job” is cryptocurrency and podcasting about masculinity.
Home economics is no longer about baking cookies in an apron while a 1960s voiceover says things like, “Jeez Louise, where’s dinner, Viyang?” No, I propose a new acronym for science, technology, engineering and math (STEM). Same acronym, different priorities:
- Sewing
- Thrifting
- Egg preserving
- Making sourdough without crying
Or, if we’re being really honest, STEM stands for: survival through emotionally motivated homemaking (STEMH). I know it adds an H, but honestly, at the rate the Department of Education is getting gutted, who’s left to tell us that STEMH isn’t a valid academic discipline?
Still need your research fix? Great! Let’s fund a lab that studies how to turn foraged mushrooms, gluten-free muffins and vibes into a meal plan. Let’s create a minor in fermentation studies and set up more algae colonies in Roth Pond to make it more mythical for this year’s Roth Regatta. Let’s teach future generations how to fold a fitted sheet without crashing into a quarter-life crisis.
So, Stony Brook, here’s my pitch: less BIO 358 (Biology of Human Social & Sexual Behavior), more HMEC 202 (How to Feed Yourself Without Selling Your Soul to DoorDash). Replace WRT 102 (Intermediate Writing Workshop) with HMEC 103 (How to Grocery Shop without Crying). Let’s stop pretending STEM majors are still prestigious when no one’s hiring and start preparing students on how to actually survive late-stage capitalism.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a group project in HMEC 301 (Advanced Composting and Emotional Resilience) to finish with my two locally sourced group mates: a Mason jar of kombucha and a bankrupt Forever 21.
