For this year’s Sex and Relationships special issue, The Statesman explored how Stony Brook University students’ diverse cultural backgrounds influence their experiences with both romantic and platonic love. We asked seven students to share their experiences with developing interpersonal connections: how they met, how their varying backgrounds influence their relationships and how they approach intimacy. Spoiler alert: it’s not all about swiping right and hoping for the best!
First, The Statesman spoke to Kazi Hamza Rashed, a sophomore majoring in astronomy/planetary sciences, and her partner, Azul Soto-Lopez, a sophomore in the Multidisciplinary Studies program, about their experiences navigating cultural differences as queer individuals.
Next, we brought our questions to our very own office in the Student Activities Center and grilled assistant news editor Michelle Grisales, a junior majoring in journalism, and her boyfriend, Brandon Melo, a junior majoring in health science, on how they maintain strength in their relationship. Hint: their process involves equal parts love, patience and a good takeout menu.
We then spoke to Violet Patel, a senior majoring in computer science, about her relationship with her girlfriend, Charlotte Seid, a junior majoring in business management. Their relationship proves once again that opposites attract, especially when one can debug a website and the other can make a spreadsheet look like art.
Finally, we spoke to Dakini Leon, a third-year student in the Master of Social Work program, about her connection with her long-distance best friend, Kayla Shoaff, and how they maintain their bond despite the miles between them.
The Statesman: How did your relationship begin?
Rashed: I met my partner in a club Discord server where we got to talk for a bit and [learn] more about each other. We then started to hang out as our friendship circles merged. We started talking more often before we went on our first date. At the end of [March] we [will] be dating for a whole year.
Soto-Lopez: [Rashed] and I started dating last year on March 31. Originally, we started out as good friends in our Queer Gaming Affinity Group and eventually became closer once we started a [Dungeons and Dragons] group together. She asked me out for ramen and [we] walked together to the [Stony Brook Long Island Rail Road] train station before she took the train home. It was a very cute evening I hold close to my heart.
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Grisales: We met through a mutual friend from our community college about two years ago. Since then, we knew we were meant to be together!
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Patel: My relationship with my girlfriend started because we would hang out a lot together after meeting each other on our dance team [Kaigai Idols at SBU]. We ended up getting really close and eventually we questioned what we were right before we got together.
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Leon: [Shoaff] and I used to be coworkers a while back [at a job] that focused on providing mental health support to individuals virtually. We had an unqualified manager consistently misgender [Shoaff], who uses they/them pronouns and is non-binary, despite an effort made many, many times to correct the manager. [Shoaff] would confide in me about how they felt and their negative interactions with this manager. Through this, we learned that our experience with this particular person was common, and wasn’t just us, and [we] decided that we needed to stand up for ourselves.
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The Statesman: How did your cultural upbringing shape your expectations of a partner or a relationship, if at all?
Rashed: I grew up in a [Bengali] household, where I was mostly told the cultural expectations rather than explained why they exist or how it is a viable expectation. I never wanted to hold my partner or this relationship to those faulty standards. There is also a high value in honesty and seeing partners as equal, which I carry from my parents’ relationship into my own.
Soto-Lopez: My upbringing of not only being brought up by two mothers, but Hispanic in tandem helped shape my expectations and standards in a partner. My parents have a healthy and happy relationship, and I aim to have the same fulfillment as they do.
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Grisales: Personally, my culture [being half Colombian and half Ecuadorian] has influenced my expectations by outlining what I do and don’t want [in a relationship]. Seeing women in my culture tolerate verbal and physical abuse influenced me wanting my partner to be patient and gentle. Any sort of aggression or signs of violence is something I’d entirely avoid because it can escalate.
Melo: During my upbringing, I don’t think my culture influenced my expectations for my significant other. I just value love, loyalty and respect.
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Patel: I grew up in a very non-traditional Indian household. I wouldn’t let myself be too influenced by the things in my cultural upbringing. Instead, queer media and people in the queer community would lead me to the expectation that being in a relationship would entail loving someone so deeply, you’d really do anything for them just to make sure they are happy, safe and loved, along with being loved in return — not as a transactional relationship but based in truly caring for the other person.
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Leon: I believed friends were people you kind of hung out with but didn’t really share personal stories with [as Latine families emphasize family more than friendships]. Usually my family would say to keep personal things to yourself or only share them with family, but I trust [Shoaff] enough that I can share almost anything with them.
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The Statesman: How do you keep your relationship healthy and happy?
Rashed: One of the most important things I like to do is keep an open mind and communicate effectively and properly with my partner. Talking about what we want out of a relationship and what we want to improve, no matter how hard it might be to hear for the other person, is crucial to make sure that we aren’t hurt by each other over a misunderstanding.
Soto-Lopez: I’ve found that having the difficult conversations … when a problem comes up, no matter how small and silly it may seem to you, is crucial to having a good and open relationship. There is a difference between being overdependent on your partner and being able to uplift each other when needed.
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Melo: In our relationship, quality time, going on dates and close family bonds help us maintain a healthy relationship.
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Patel: My girlfriend and I try to make a conscious effort to talk to each other when we are being bothered by something. It is really difficult to actually make that effort, but we love each other too much not to do something about any issues.
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Leon: I text my friend memes and also share voice notes with them about my day. They reciprocate this and also share their childhood memories with me. I also give them space when they aren’t able to call and would prefer to text instead, and they also know when to give me space if I’m swamped with work. I also share memes with them, funny TikTok [videos] and other hilarious jokes I find.
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The Statesman: In many cultures, there are different views on relationships and intimacy. How do your cultural backgrounds influence how you approach these aspects of your relationship?
Rashed: I think my culture makes it incredibly hard to understand what kind of intimacy is allowed [and] when. Because the idea of purity and innocence is so readily drilled into not only [us] as children but even in adult[hood], that intimacy gets harder to gauge. I can always say that I will be as intimate as I and my partner feel comfortable with, but it always comes with the caveat that there will always be a nagging feeling in the back of my head preventing me from truly understanding how I actually feel.
Soto-Lopez: Puerto Rican families don’t have many strict guidelines or taboos in dating other than to ensure you know your partner well enough before moving onto other forms of intimacy as well as approval from family. I am grateful that my family is more accepting [about the queer community, whereas other families are transphobic and homophobic].
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Grisales: I think my culture does value intimacy, but I think the men within it can often be unfaithful. I don’t think my family speaks enough about the lack of sex education there is back in our countries.
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Patel: My family is extremely physically affectionate. We were never afraid to hug or hold each other to show each other that we care about them. In addition, I grew up in a family in which food was always at the center of most events. Because of this, I believe that eating together is really intimate and it is one of my favorite things to do with my girlfriend.
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Leon: I tend to be very avoidant because I was raised to believe that you shouldn’t overshare with friends, but [Shoaff] shares everything with me and so I’ve learned to reciprocate that with them.
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The Statesman: How do you envision the future of your relationship/friendship, and do you think your cultural backgrounds will influence any of your future decisions?
Rashed: I think I envision our relationship going pretty far, however us both being trans folks and being queer will be a hard thing to get by my family, [especially] with the cultural expectations looming over me.
Soto-Lopez: I’m not quite sure what the future holds as things can always change. However, I am very happy with my partner and hope to spend as much time as we can together. Our major and career goals differ from each other but we hope that if we remain in each other’s lives after graduation, we will be able to be in close contact.
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Grisales: Every time we’ve discussed our future and having a family, we often discuss our culture. I want our children to speak Spanish, eat the traditional foods and visit our home countries. The way we discipline our children and teach them communication and other skills is also heavily influenced by how we were brought up … I think our culture will really come into play in our relationship when we live together and start a family.
Melo: I see in our future a healthy relationship with a nice family. I believe that culture will influence the lifestyle we will have. It influences it in the way we will prepare meals, maintain our household and the way we and our kids will react to things because each culture does things differently.
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Patel: I envision that our relationship will last a long time which leads me to think about the kind of wedding we would have. Since I’m Indian and [Seid] is Chinese, it has me wondering what kind of wedding we would have. Once we get there, I believe that our cultures will definitely influence how we move forward with that.
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Leon: I see [Shoaff] and I having a long friendship because they are very culturally aware and [they] are also in a Ph.D. program [to become a licensed marriage and family therapist] so I feel like they are trauma-informed. They know how to hold space for stories I share with them, even if they are emotionally charged … [and they] give me space to emotionally regulate.
