The way individuals view and approach fostering relationships is often deeply influenced by their familial dynamics and cultural backgrounds. These early experiences shape how people interact with others, particularly in romantic relationships. For some, observing their parents’ struggles and/or successes can serve as a model for their future relationships.

Heejoo Shin, a junior double majoring in psychology and biology, described her parents’ relationship as “rocky.” She explained how her father’s lack of financial literacy and the problems it created for her mother impacted what she looks for in a partner.

“My mom had a lot of struggles as I was growing up in terms of [not] having a good relationship with my dad,” she said. “She had a hard time trying to take care of us with financial stuff, and also trying to deal with my dad.”

Shin attributed the experience of growing up while seeing her parents’ dynamic within their relationship weighs on the qualities she seeks and avoids in a partner. She specifically remembers her mother giving her advice to ensure she chooses the right partner.

“A lot of [my perspective comes from] my mom giving me life lessons based on her experiences dating and relationship with my dad. She always tells me to be careful [and] tells me to meet someone better than my dad,” Shin said.

She explained that she feels her parents’ issues stemmed from their lack of communication with one another, which is something she hopes to avoid in a future relationship.

“I value honesty and communication. I feel like a lot of the issues that came with my dad and my mom’s relationship had to do with communication issues and them having disagreements about a lot of things,” Shin said. “I value those kinds of traits in people. Being honest with someone and being able to communicate well where we can figure out different problems and solve them efficiently.”

She also reflected on her own temper and behaviors that she developed from her father.

“There are times where I get agitated and annoyed at people, which is a bad habit because I would lash [out] at my mom,” Shin said. “I felt that it made me resemble my dad in a bad way, which I always hated.”

Shin is not alone. Many others are learning more about themselves and how they navigate relationships based on their parents. Whether the experience is seen as positive or negative, growing up witnessing complex relationships — combined with cultural values — impacts how people maneuver relationships.

Joanne Davila, a distinguished professor and the chair of the Department of Psychology at Stony Brook University, wrote an email to The Statesman explaining that people’s families heavily influence their perceptions of relationships, especially when it comes to exposure to a particular culture they grew up with.

“Our entire learning experiences are embedded in our culture,” Davila wrote. “We just learn the assumptions and expectations. And different cultures have different ideas about relationships.”

She then explained that when children are observing their parents, their interactions serves as an example when navigating future relationships.

“Children learn A LOT from watching their parents, and they base their assumptions and expectations for their own relationships on what they learn,” she wrote. “For example, if a child has parents who argue all the time, and this is scary to the child, the child might assume that conflict is dangerous/bad and then become conflict avoidant in their own relationships.”

Ella Alba is a junior majoring in psychology. She said her culture, combined with learning from her parents’ relationship, has shaped how she views and behaves towards others. Alba described her relationship with her mother as unstable, explaining that this instability created trust issues and led her to feel neglected throughout her childhood.

“I didn’t trust my mom and didn’t trust that she’d follow through on things I asked from her. It was hard to ask for things I want and need in my other relationships,” Alba said. “I felt very neglected by her growing up and if I feel neglected or unseen I usually get really triggered in my other relationships, especially my romantic one.”

She then discussed how her parents’ cultural background comes into play. Her parents were born in the Philippines and later moved to the United States, where Alba was born and raised. She explained that within her culture, emotions are not often discussed, leading to communication issues.

“In Filipino culture, emotions are something rarely talked about. Unconditional love is rarely practiced in addition to healthy communication,” she said. “So, when it came to my own relationships, I learned to shut the other person out if I’m mad at them, and not even tell them I’m mad.”

Alba further elaborated that, in Filipino culture, there are expectations to both prioritize family above all else and refrain from showcasing any weaknesses or flaws.

“You’re expected to always prioritize your family over friends [and] even significant others. You can’t have anything wrong with your life. You shouldn’t tell other family friends or extended family what’s wrong or they’ll look down on you,” she said. “This made me a very reserved person when it came to relationships.”

She then began discussing how the judgement she received, particularly from her parents, contributed to certain behaviors she displayed in past relationships.

“My parents were critical of my mistakes so I shut down and became a quiet person and was afraid to make mistakes,” Alba said. “In other relationships, I shut down in conversations and was afraid to speak or talk about my life because I was scared of being judged.”

However, she shared that she has been able to grow as an individual and not be as reserved as she once was. Alba’s willingness to reflect on her past is a crucial step in not repeating the same relationship patterns her parents exhibited.

Davila emphasized that to break the negative habits developed from observing parental relationships and being raised under certain cultural beliefs, individuals must first recognize them before they can attempt to break out of the cycle.

“The first and most important thing is that they become aware of the patterns — that they develop insight into them,” she wrote.

Davila then explained that people have to be willing to take an emotional risk in trying out new behaviors. She emphasized attempting new behaviors to avoid repeating what’s taught by parents is the best way to see if something different happens. This is something many people struggle with but nonetheless strive to achieve. Shin’s understanding of the traits she possesses that mirror her father’s behavior have helped her work on herself.

“I’ve been going to therapy and it helped me heal in some ways and [taught] me how to develop better relationships with my parents,” she said. “I think I’m slowly improving [despite] these bad developments.”

Similar to Shin, Alba shared she does her best to improve herself through dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Alba explained that DBT helps her not only improve her interpersonal skills but create ways to properly handle her emotions.

“In my relationships when I’m upset I used to shut people out for hours or yell, sometimes I still do. But I’m bettering myself specifically, by trying to use ‘I feel’ statements and [knowing] the signs when I want to yell or shut down and isolate,” she said.

Alba explained that maintaining healthy communication is important, but can be difficult without seeing it done firsthand.

“Yelling or shutting down only makes things worse and turns the other person away,” she said. “You can’t get the support you actually want and need if you can’t healthily [communicate].”